Exactly What I Needed Today....

Today has been "one of those days". Granted I have had much worse days, but I just really wasn't up for dealing with the obstacle I have today. I had my pity party with loads of tears this morning before the kids got up and decided to just suck it up.

Understanding (through my experience both past and present) every single word of this song, I sat listening to it with tears in my eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear today. Exactly....

".....steady my heart...."

I've never heard of Kari Jobe before but I thank Anna for sharing this song on her FB.

Staying At Home

I was out running errands today with Wyatt and ran into someone I know. I was a bit surprised to see her running errands in the middle of the morning as I know she works full time during the week. We chatted a bit about the weather, the holiday reprieve, etc when the subject turned to my ever present protruding belly.

"How many more weeks?" she asks.
"Oh, too many......8 or 9."
"I don't know how you do it."
"What?" - I kind of knew where this was heading as we've almost had this conversation before.
"Stay at home. Have all those kids. Keep your sanity. I mean, how do you live? (her way of asking if John makes enough money to support us) Do you think you guys are done after this one?"

Whoa. Completely loaded comment there. I was somewhat expecting it as I get comments a lot now when I take the kids out. We've become 'that family' that people stare at whenever we all go shopping together.....2 parents, mom uber pregnant, 3 kids under the age of 7 all walking in a group. We've become accustomed to comments and strange looks.

My response.
John does very well in his job and it is pretty secure. He doesn't make loads of money and we are lucky if extra funds actually stay in our savings account. But whenever something comes up, God usually provides an opportunity to cover whatever expense it is. We've learned to live with what we have, save what we can, and appreciate the simple luxuries that may come our way on occasion.

"I thought about staying home with Kate. But after 8 weeks of no sleep and constant feeding, I couldn't take it anymore. I NEEDED to get back to work. Plus, I didn't go to school for 4 years and get a great job only to stay home all the time. And Kate has really flourished in daycare. She is such a socialite and loves being around all the kids."

Oh geez. God help me keep my composure.
"So you think you guys will have any more kids?"

"Oh man, I don't know. Jack wants another one but I'm just not sure I can take it. Maybe after Kate is in school full time. She's such a handful at home at the end of the day and we are constantly trying to keep up with her."

I'm thinking: Of course she is! She misses you!!!!! And I don't know what child under the age of 6 or 7 needs/craves socialization MORE than being with his or her parents.

"Well, I knew that when we started having kids that it was important for me to be home with them if it was possible. John kind of fought me on it at first but then decided that having me home all the time was what was best for the family. Yeah, it's hard and stressful and threatens my sanity on an almost daily basis. But I look at the kids and I hear the millions of "I love you Mom" all day long and I wouldn't have it any other way. And believe it or not, as they get older it seems to get easier - for now. I'm sure once they hit preteen years we'll be dealing with a whole new phase of parenting. But for now we are completely happy with having "all these kids".

"But you cook and garden and have all those animals. Don't you wish you had more freedom? I mean, I NEED to have an evening with my girlfriends every Thursday or I'd go nuts! And Jack takes Kate sometimes on the weekends so I can get some shopping done in Fargo. That 'me time' is crucial for me."

Eeek.
"The winter is hard. And being pregnant takes some time away from "me time". But John hung a swing for me at the edge of the property so I have a place of solitude to run to every once in a while. In the non-winter months John makes sure that I get some time everyday to go for a 2 mile run or a short trip into the gym whenever I can. I get up early and enjoy before sunrise with a coffee and silence."

This is when she really started staring at me funny. And thankfully Wyatt was getting a bit squirmy.

"I don't know. I've just always knew I'd be a mom. Even when I was in college. And I always knew I wanted to be the one to raise my kid, NOT some daycare worker. So we made it a priority. And we'll probably have a couple more kids after this one."

She kind of smirked a pity filled smirk and bid me good day. I walked away a bit pissed off.

We didn't have kids only to send them off to have someone else to raise them so we can have a double income and all the extra toys we want. I'm not going to trade my children's childhood for that. And as far as not using my education, well........whatever job there might be out in the working world for me, there is always someone else who can do it. Believe it or not, employees ARE replaceable. Parents ARE NOT.

I grew up having my mother home. She sent us off to school in the morning and welcomed us home in the afternoon. She made us breakfast, lunch, snack, and supper. She was there if we were sick. She came to all the middle of the day activities that elementary school's sometimes hold. She was there. And looking back, that was perhaps one of the greatest gifts my parent's could have ever given us.

I get that some people can't do that. I understand the need for dual incomes sometimes. I understand that there are single parents out there just trying to stay afloat. I get that. I just also believe that if there is any way possible for a mom to be home with her children at least until they are school aged, it ought to be done. Children NEED their parents.

Anybody else have confrontations like this? ..... or perhaps a different perspective?.....or whatever?

I could write a whole lot more on this and get into a REAL rant. But I'm pretty sure that most of you who read this are probably of similar mind.

Too Early To Rise...

I need some help. My kids are waking up WAY TOO early in the morning. They are all usually up and ready for the day between 6-6:30am. Granted I am usually up by 5-5:30ish...or on John's work days I'm up with him by 4:15am and stay up. I could count on my kids sleeping until 7-7:30 and sometimes 8:00 in the summertime. But this is getting ridiculous. I count on that time in the morning to get things going and prepare for my day. John and I sit and have coffee together, get the fire started, do morning prayers, and sit in the quiet before the day begins. We LOVE this time together. We've trained ourselves to be in bed before 10 and up early. It suits us well considering John's work schedule, the animals, and the morning round of "chores" that need to be done first thing. But the kids are gradually "stealing" that time. They don't go to bed until 8-8:30pm which leaves us with maybe an hour before we hit the pillow. I used to count on naptime as a scheduled reprieve, but Yvette doesn't nap every day anymore (though she needs it, she doesn't usually comply) and Wyatt's naps are getting shorter and shorter. I've tried keeping them up during naptime and then going to bed at the usual hour hoping that maybe they'd sleep in. Not so. Like clockwork they are up at the same time each morning.

Please, does anyone have any advice? Anything? 7:00am is reasonable. 6:30am, not so much.

PLEASE.....HELP.....

Hmmm

So my husband is sitting at the computer this evening, looks over his shoulder and says, "I think I found us a new song." And the smile on his face was the kind that makes me melt because...well...he's got dimples when he really smiles. And he was really smiling. I came over to listen and this is what I heard...

Yeah, he THINKS he's funny.

Those of you who know my husband may understand his extraordinarily dry and sometimes sarcastic humor so this type of "joke" can just roll. But seriously, the humor I found in it wasn't so much the song itself but that he had the nerve to play it for me and laugh! I can't even get pissy about it because I know how innocent it is, but seriously!!!!!

How many of you would slug your husbands?....especially if you were 8 months pregnant, overtired, and seriously NOT feeling like yourself?....

....just sayin'......

Baby Balooga

A few weeks ago I graduated from the "oh cute, she's obviously pregnant" stage to getting that look from women that says, "oh gosh...she's probably due pretty soon look how uncomfortable she must be" stage. You know, that look of pity and understanding wrapping into one. It's humbling, but I'm getting used to it. Truth is, aside from the fact that I don't sleep much, I feel pretty decent. Fatter. Slower. Exhausted. But for the most part pretty good.

I've noticed a trend in my pregnancies and I'm wondering if other women experience it also. For most women, the first trimester is plagued with some level of sickness. Mine, not so much. For most women, the second trimester is blessed with some level of energy and nesting. Mine, not so much. Now what I am wondering is the prego trend for the third trimester. It's been a while since I've read the What To Expect When Your Expecting books. You'd think I'd have some idea. But really, all I know is what seems to be the norm for me. And that is NO SLEEP. And it isn't just that I can't get comfortable at this point. Because really, I CAN.....sometimes. And it isn't so much that I have to get up to pee every 30 minutes because really I only get up to use the bathroom about once MAYBE twice at night at this point. What happens with me is I wake up every 1 1/2 - 2 hours and I go downstairs and sit by the fire for about 20 minutes and then go back to bed. And then during the day I snooze for a little while on the couch in the morning or afternoon. Sound familiar? Like my body is instinctively conditioning itself (a bit early) for those feedings/changings during the night. It has happened with each one of my pregnancies. Anyone else experience that? Maybe that's a stupid question, but I never really hear people talk about it.

Anyway, I suppose I don't really have a point with this post. Oh well.

9 weeks to go...

not that i'm counting or anything.....

Dry and Connected

This week has been great. My new dryer came on Monday. Tuesday we FINALLY had the internet installed. And today it is finally snowing. I had a fantastic appointment with my midwife yesterday and all is well. I've also been seeing a chiropractor a couple times a week to help with sciatic nerve stuff and boy does that make a difference! A Christmas present that has been backordered twice made a surprising arrival today! YAY. Now we just have to get it to our nephew before the kids take it over.

Hurray for the simple things, right?

Just a thought...
I was all excited about catching up on the many blogs I was following and the FB gossip, but for whatever reason it hasn't been all that alluring to sit and surf. Sure there are still a handful of blogs (written by friends) that I've read up on but the FB thing has totally lost it's addictive hold on me. Thank goodness.

Now on to better things like.....more laundry, baking banana bread, vacuuming, and planning that "party" that Yvette keeps talking about. Both she and I have no idea what the party will be for, but she wants to have one. So maybe we'll surprise John tomorrow with a "welcome home from work / thanks for taking such good care of us" party for him. We'll take pictures, don't worry.

The 12 Days of Christmas

John and I have had numerous conversations about the traditions we’d like to pass on to our children and/or start new with our family. As the kids get older and are able to appreciate the specific holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc that pass each year, we’ve decided to give a few news ones a try. Of course, our own immediate families had their traditions to which we both tend to prefer. But at the same time, our little family kind of has a way of adopting “new” ways of doing things. Believe me when I say we don’t set out to “go against the grain” or seek out different ways of doing things simply because not many are doing them. It just sort of happens that way sometimes.

When I was growing up I had a friend whose family celebrated the 12 days of Christmas. I didn’t completely understand what they did or why, but the idea of having 12 days of presents and fun sounded wonderful to me as a child. And since we couldn’t really agree on which traditions to pass on from our own immediate families or when to celebrate Christmas (open presents on the Eve of or the day of?) or whom to celebrate Christmas with (his family or mine or stay home?) or when is too early to celebrate or too late to celebrate, etc…..well….we decided that perhaps we’d try something “new” for both him and I AND the kids. A tradition that is neither familiar to his family nor mine. The 12 Days of Christmas.

It sounded like a good idea but we didn’t really know what it would all entail. We kind of “winged it”. Our understanding of the celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas is - in a very very simple definition - giving the birth of Christ the celebration it is due (MORE than one day), celebrating what it means to have that bridge between the human and Divine, being reminded of what is to come, and bringing it to a close at the celebration of Epiphany (the arrival and celebration of the Three Wise Men). Of course all of that is not necessarily easy for little minds and hearts to absorb, but we do our best to translate in a way they may - or may not - understand. So with each day comes a new way of celebrating or acknowledging these days.

Day 1: Santa leaves gifts
Day 2: sharing a meal with friends and/or family
Day 3: family outing
Day 4: baking of cookies and homemade yumminess
Day 5: the giving of homemade yumminess to neighbors and friends
Day 6: travel day
Day 7: exchange of gifts with Nana and Bumpa and cousins
Day 8: exchange of gifts with Granny and Gramps and cousin
Day 9: family game day - day spent playing board games, video games, puzzles
Day 10: gifts from Mom and Dad
Day 11: chosing of “old” toys to give to kids who don’t have any
Day 12: family gift

So technically today ends our celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas, though the Church’s celebration of Epiphany will be this coming Sunday.

Our days were celebrated with joy. The kids were able to appreciate and enjoy each round of gift giving and each activity we did together. We will most definitely be doing this again next year with the hopes that a little bit more of the meaning of it all will sink in a little bit deeper for each child.

Sure, it was definitely more work for John and I but it was so worth it. And seeing the faces of the kids with each new day was priceless.

And so on this final day of the celebration of the Birth of Our Lord…….


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Our Christmas Remembered

This Christmas John and I, our whole family really, feel a bit spoiled. Extremely spoiled. Our children are now so armored with computer games, video games, learning games, and dollies that I honestly think we are covered for at least a couple years! Hayden received a LeapFrog Explorer with 2 games, all three of them received a LeapFrog Tag with 5 books, the family was gifted with a Wii accompanied by 3 games and 3 controllers, and I received a Nook Color. My kitchen is now updated with a new round of kitchen utensils, pyrex containers with lids, a new Magic Bullet (which warrants a post of its own), a couple baskets and lots of chocolate. John was gifted with extremely nice Midland radios, a battery charger for the vehicles, and some fantastic work pants (ripstop is worth the $$). This and many other gifts of movies, clothes, puzzles, knickknacks, and toys. Christmas has always been a fun time for John and I. We rarely buy gifts for each other and find great joy in buying and making gifts for the ones we love. There truly is great joy in giving. And years past we have been very fortunate to have received fantastic gifts as well. But this year truly caught us off guard. Never did we imagine being as spoiled as we all were this year. My goodness! As we continue to unload our Christmas loot, we are both humbled and grateful.
And though the gifts are nice to have and fun to give, we find ourselves soaking up the moments in between the most:

*walking into my parent’s house and being hit with flashback type memories. The Christmas tree decked in more colored lights than Clark could ever put on his house.  The living room so picturesque with holly and poinsettias, candles lit, Christmas music playing. I just wanted to curl up in my jimmies, turn the lights off, and soak up the Christmas love that I KNOW my mother puts into making things just right during holiday time.
*hearing the doorbell ring and the kids run to greet the guests. “Bell! Abby! Alex! Betty!” and hugs and kisses all around. “Ellen! Ross!” More hugs and kisses. The fun continues throughout the whole day. Sugared kids, tired yet contented adults enjoying conversation and coffee, sleeping men on the couch “watching” the game.

Then another day of:

*Wow! Presents under the tree! The sweet smell of turkey and sweet potatoes. Kids playing bowling and boxing with the adults. Laughing! Oh, the laughing!
*the kitchen conversations while the food is being prepared.
*the quick trips out to check the chickens and get some fresh air. But not too much because the wind was blowing and blowing!
*cookies and presents and wrapping paper everywhere. Hugs and thank yous. Sometimes a moment of stillness as everyone seems occupied with something/someone.

And then just at the right time, packing begins. Though the amount of time never seems to be enough, we are so grateful to have any time at all to spend all together.

Oh the fun. And the love! Soaked up each and every time we make a visit. Yes, we are grateful for our families, our parents, our siblings, our children. We are grateful for the year past with all it’s wonderful memories and difficult times. We look forward to this new year with new adventures and new memories.

I hope you all look back on 2011 with joy and gratitude. I pray you are blessed and content and look forward to this new year with anticipation and excitement.


**What has been your most favorite holiday memory as a child? **

Back To The Grind Stone

Hayden went back to school today. He has been ready for a few days. I haven’t been. I liked having him home again. And I liked not having to make the 2+ trips into town each day. *sigh* Oh well.

With school starting again, John back on his regular schedule, and the holiday’s being pretty much over, I am looking at my daily life a little bit differently lately. Could it be the resolution? Could it be grace from a well lived Advent? Could it simply be preparation for the baby coming in just over 10 weeks? I am peaceful and happy and excited for the next adventure.

A few things off my baby prep list:

*Yesterday I received a confirmation from my mother that they would take the kids for the weekend at the end of January. It was a request of John’s that he and I have a weekend alone before the baby comes. A weekend alone AT HOME. You can imagine how excited we are!!! We can sleep in. We can have nice leisurely meals. We can watch a movie without being interrupted. We can paint the extra bedroom and maybe the mudroom. We can go on a date without paying for a babysitter or having a curfew. The options are endless! ;-) The kids are great and we have fantastic amounts of fun with them, but we could certainly use a weekend alone before another babe graces our family with her presence.

*Over this past weekend I finalized a cloth diaper order. A friend of ours has been sewing and selling her own diapers for a couple years now. And I am extraordinarily excited about being able to support her business and receive some high quality diapers in the process. I’ve written about cloth diapering in the past. Years ago we purchased the best cloth diaper on the market (at that time) for Hayden. We used them a little bit with Yvette and a little bit with Wyatt. They have more than paid for themselves 3 times over and are pretty much useless at this point. We never seem to have enough money to buy a new round of cloth diapers so I never really shopped for them. When I got pregnant, one of the first things we discussed was setting money aside for some of Rachel’s diapers. I gave her notice right away but didn’t finalize anything until this weekend. And though she’s been sewing for years, I just recently had the opportunity to SEE the actual product in person. WOW. Wow. I’ve seen and used and researched enough of cloth diapers to know that her diapers are……WOW. High quality. Custom made. Affordably and appropriately priced. And…wow. I’m almost giddy about them. We sat and talked cloth diapering for a couple hours, finalized what I wanted, and put an official order in. Baby Backowski will be comfortable in her new gender appropriate oh so soft on her butt diapers. And we will be free from the chains of having to buy disposables, dispose of disposables, and deal with insane prices of disposables. I figure after about 4-5 months, these new cloth diapers will have paid for themselves. So excited!
www.chelory.com

*extra bedroom is cleaned and ready for painting

I’ve just got to purchase all the homebirth supplies we’ll need, pull out the necessary receiving blankets, warm sleepers, and cute clothes, and make a few meals to put in the freezer and we should be good to go. I’ve got a thumbs up from my medical doc that all is good for a homebirth. My midwife is fantastic. And the holiday’s are done so we can focus on BABY. OH…..I suppose I should start that major knitting project I’ve been planning for our newest addition.

Praying for the energy to follow-through…….

Here…..goes!……..

Part Two

The second part of my resolution:

Doing what I am told.

Yikes. Even harder than follow-through sometimes. John is strong, traditional, and extraordinarily tolerant. He very rarely TELLS me what to do. We have a very open and fair relationship in regards to decision making and parenting and the like. He is not at all controlling or manipulative or invasive or anything like that. But I have found myself pushing him to cave on some things that he would prefer to have the final say on. Does that make sense? For example, recently our clothes dryer died on us. And with it being holiday time, funds are very limited…..none existent actually. I knew this. I’ve been making-do for over a week now. I hang our clothes on hangers next to the fireplace and drape them over every chair, railing, window hardware, etc that I can find. There is literally laundry everywhere in our house. John sent me out to the local appliance store to check out prices on new dryers. I found the matching dryer to our washer and it happened to be the last one in stock. I expressed to the store owner (who was helping me) that we didn’t have the money today but expect to be able to purchase it before the end of the month. He said they’d hold it for us or we could apply for financing. I explained that we would prefer not to go into debt for a dryer and will be paying cash just as soon as we can save enough for it. He left me for just a couple minutes and came back with an offer. He explained that though a dryer isn’t the end of the world, he understands a woman’s need for such an appliance especially with 3 at home and 1 on the way. He himself came from a family of 12. He “gets it”. And he also appreciates people who save for the things they need/want instead of always buying on credit. He said that they don’t do it a lot, but he’d like to extend an interest free in house finance option and get the dryer out to us within a day. My jaw dropped. I told him I needed to speak with John and would call him back. Wow. I was shocked. I went home to explain the deal to John. Though he appreciated the gesture, he really didn’t want to owe anybody anything and said we need to turn down the offer. You can imagine that everything in me was screaming NO!!!! I wanted that dryer now! We knew we could have the funds before the end of the month. The store owner was extending a courtesy that most could not refuse. And John still wouldn’t budge. I didn’t say anything. I just sat there. John knew I was stewing and pushed me to share what I was thinking. “I am trying to do what I am told,” I replied. I couldn’t push him on this. I knew if I did he would cave. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me to have a dryer or that he wanted more work for me to do around the house. It was simply the fact that he didn’t want to owe anyone anything. He’s worked so hard to get us out of debt and the thought of jumping right back into it no matter how small it may be was not something he was willing to compromise. *sigh*……he is a good man!
He pushed me some more and I tried to gently explain my thoughts without trying to convince him to change his mind. I could tell that this simple situation was causing him much stress. I knew he wanted me to have what I needed but he couldn’t compromise. So I had to change my attitude about it. I gave myself a few minutes to pout by myself. Then I picked up the phone a made the call. John heard it. When I hung up and returned to John, I could immediately sense the burden lifted off his shoulders. He smiled at me and said, “I am so sorry. But thank you so much.” Stress gone. I felt better too. So what if I had to go another couple weeks without a dryer. Better the dryer than the stove/oven or the dishwasher or something. And emasculating my husband for the sake of getting what I want is not a road I wanted to walk down.
This is just the most recent. But over the past month there have been many instances in which I held my tongue and let him make the decision. I’ve realized that it can’t be about me getting my way all the time. Even in the little things. It is amazing what this little resolution has done for our relationship! I have to trust that my husband seeks to know and do what is best for our family. And in little things like ordering takeout or not ordering takeout, spending more on Christmas or not, getting the dryer today or not, finishing one of his projects instead of mine, etc…..pushing for my way isn’t worth it. I know in the past some of the bigger things I have pushed him on have been detrimental to our family and our relationship. So I can personally vouch for my own bad judgment in impulse decision making and lack of objectivity.
Back to the story….
I get a call the next morning around 8am from the store owner. He said he found himself awake at 4:30am thinking of us. In his 45 years of business he had never had anyone turn him down on a “no strings attached” gesture that he offered us….and for the reason my husband gave. He was a bit impressed and wanted to make sure we understood that the offer was open should we change our mind. “Pay me back when you can,” he said. “I appreciate a hard worker such as your husband and I don’t want to pressure him into something he doesn’t want to do, but just let him know the offer stands with no strings.“ Geesh. I spoke with John at work that day and told him. He’s a little bit more open but still hesitant. I imagine it will be a few weeks yet.

Another Year

November 22nd marked the end of a two year contract with a satellite internet company we were not happy with. Instead of committing to a new provider right away we decided that a break from the internet in the house would be a positive step in focusing on our family and preparing for Christmas. It was difficult at first. I’ve tried going without Facebook or social networking in general but have not succeeded in the past. So removing the internet all together seemed a daunting challenge (for me). I had come to rely on it immensely. Paying for satellite TV is not really a luxury we want at this point in our life. We live far enough from town where cable is not available so TV networks are not an option for daily news. We have the most basic cell phone plan available simply because we cringe at the thought of paying so much for phone service. Our landline phone is just for local calls. So phone calls are fairly limited. We don’t get the newspaper. And, though the weather has been extraordinarily mild this winter, during the winter months we pretty much stay as close to home as possible as much as possible. Yes, I live a fairly “sheltered” quiet life. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT complaining. I am just stating that, back in November, the thought of going without my major source of communication was a bit scary.

It took about a week. After that, I really didn’t notice not having it around anymore. We finished up some much needed organization in the house. I dove into my knitting and managed to start and completely finish about 3 knitting projects a week. BIG accomplishment. Plus we had the added treat of John being on a regular schedule throughout the entire month of December. Normally he rotates day shift/night shift. But there were some changes happening within the company and John was asked to participate in various rounds of meeting and such. I’m not sure he particularly preferred meetings over working in the plant, but we certainly enjoyed having him home every night for supper and bedtime. It is shocking how much that effects a family.

Anyway, I am back from my break. Though we still haven’t committed to a new internet provider, I am fully committed to regular updates. I know. I’ve said that in the past and totally flopped on it. Truth is, since the beginning of Advent (the Catholic “new year”), I have been working on a new resolution:

To do what I say I am going to do. And to do what I am told.

Very hard for me. Sadly, I am a woman of excuses. Yes, my life is insanely crazy most of the time and we have tons of simple daily chores that take up a whole lot of our time/life. But really, the excuses still find their way in. And I hate that about myself. So, I’ve made that commitment to work on doing what I say I’m going to do. Just do it. And let me tell you, it is one of the most satisfying resolutions I’ve had thus far. Wow. Granted I am not cured of my excuses, but I am getting better.

If it matters to anyone out there, I am back. With posts. And commitment.

Happy 2012 everyone!!!!