I was out running errands today with Wyatt and ran into someone I know. I was a bit surprised to see her running errands in the middle of the morning as I know she works full time during the week. We chatted a bit about the weather, the holiday reprieve, etc when the subject turned to my ever present protruding belly.
"How many more weeks?" she asks.
"Oh, too many......8 or 9."
"I don't know how you do it."
"What?" - I kind of knew where this was heading as we've almost had this conversation before.
"Stay at home. Have all those kids. Keep your sanity. I mean, how do you live? (her way of asking if John makes enough money to support us) Do you think you guys are done after this one?"
Whoa. Completely loaded comment there. I was somewhat expecting it as I get comments a lot now when I take the kids out. We've become 'that family' that people stare at whenever we all go shopping together.....2 parents, mom uber pregnant, 3 kids under the age of 7 all walking in a group. We've become accustomed to comments and strange looks.
My response.
John does very well in his job and it is pretty secure. He doesn't make loads of money and we are lucky if extra funds actually stay in our savings account. But whenever something comes up, God usually provides an opportunity to cover whatever expense it is. We've learned to live with what we have, save what we can, and appreciate the simple luxuries that may come our way on occasion.
"I thought about staying home with Kate. But after 8 weeks of no sleep and constant feeding, I couldn't take it anymore. I NEEDED to get back to work. Plus, I didn't go to school for 4 years and get a great job only to stay home all the time. And Kate has really flourished in daycare. She is such a socialite and loves being around all the kids."
Oh geez. God help me keep my composure.
"So you think you guys will have any more kids?"
"Oh man, I don't know. Jack wants another one but I'm just not sure I can take it. Maybe after Kate is in school full time. She's such a handful at home at the end of the day and we are constantly trying to keep up with her."
I'm thinking: Of course she is! She misses you!!!!! And I don't know what child under the age of 6 or 7 needs/craves socialization MORE than being with his or her parents.
"Well, I knew that when we started having kids that it was important for me to be home with them if it was possible. John kind of fought me on it at first but then decided that having me home all the time was what was best for the family. Yeah, it's hard and stressful and threatens my sanity on an almost daily basis. But I look at the kids and I hear the millions of "I love you Mom" all day long and I wouldn't have it any other way. And believe it or not, as they get older it seems to get easier - for now. I'm sure once they hit preteen years we'll be dealing with a whole new phase of parenting. But for now we are completely happy with having "all these kids".
"But you cook and garden and have all those animals. Don't you wish you had more freedom? I mean, I NEED to have an evening with my girlfriends every Thursday or I'd go nuts! And Jack takes Kate sometimes on the weekends so I can get some shopping done in Fargo. That 'me time' is crucial for me."
Eeek.
"The winter is hard. And being pregnant takes some time away from "me time". But John hung a swing for me at the edge of the property so I have a place of solitude to run to every once in a while. In the non-winter months John makes sure that I get some time everyday to go for a 2 mile run or a short trip into the gym whenever I can. I get up early and enjoy before sunrise with a coffee and silence."
This is when she really started staring at me funny. And thankfully Wyatt was getting a bit squirmy.
"I don't know. I've just always knew I'd be a mom. Even when I was in college. And I always knew I wanted to be the one to raise my kid, NOT some daycare worker. So we made it a priority. And we'll probably have a couple more kids after this one."
She kind of smirked a pity filled smirk and bid me good day. I walked away a bit pissed off.
We didn't have kids only to send them off to have someone else to raise them so we can have a double income and all the extra toys we want. I'm not going to trade my children's childhood for that. And as far as not using my education, well........whatever job there might be out in the working world for me, there is always someone else who can do it. Believe it or not, employees ARE replaceable. Parents ARE NOT.
I grew up having my mother home. She sent us off to school in the morning and welcomed us home in the afternoon. She made us breakfast, lunch, snack, and supper. She was there if we were sick. She came to all the middle of the day activities that elementary school's sometimes hold. She was there. And looking back, that was perhaps one of the greatest gifts my parent's could have ever given us.
I get that some people can't do that. I understand the need for dual incomes sometimes. I understand that there are single parents out there just trying to stay afloat. I get that. I just also believe that if there is any way possible for a mom to be home with her children at least until they are school aged, it ought to be done. Children NEED their parents.
Anybody else have confrontations like this? ..... or perhaps a different perspective?.....or whatever?
I could write a whole lot more on this and get into a REAL rant. But I'm pretty sure that most of you who read this are probably of similar mind.
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All I can say is AMEN!! And thanks for speaking up!
ReplyDeleteTheresa,
ReplyDeleteWe get this often and strangely enough sometimes from our parishioners. I think the sad thing is that people make greatest decisions in their life in absentia. WE have talked about this. By deciding to have all the "things" or opportunities first they make a decision to be a dual-income/daycare family. But if you pressed them to make that decision first it might go differently. I firmly believe that at it's roots is a selfish desire to have kids but to not have them be the first priority in your life. sad
Rev Ryan Drevlow
"employees ARE replaceable. Parents ARE NOT." That's it in a nutshell, Theresa. Women were lied to back in the '70s that if they didn't have a "job" they were getting the short end of the deal. Somehow the lie has been perpetuated. The pendulum is slowing coming back the other way though: you're proof of that.
ReplyDeleteSomehow some people think that raising kids is a vacation at Club Med! Some of them actually believe that you "don't work", i.e. you don't have a W-2 job. That shows you how warped their thinking is. Shoot, if it was that easy every woman would do it. In reality we see how many of them can't hack it!
I'll share a short story with you about this same topic. When my kids were young my wife stayed home. At the time she could make about $20,000/year. That may not sound like a lot but in 1984 that was good money! You have to remember that our house payment was only $307 a month. Anyway I was in the break room one day and women were discussing the high cost of daycare. At that point one of the women looked at me and said (in what I thought was a somewhat snide tone) "You're lucky: your wife stays at home. You don't have any daycare expenses." to which I responded (without missing a beat I might add) "Hey, my wife gave up a $20,000 a year job to stay home with our kids. That's how much my 'daycare' costs us. You still think your daycare bills are high?" Silence.
You're doing the right thing, Theresa. Never doubt it. And, when you tell your mom how much you appreciate the sacrifices she made for you (or she reads your blog)that's her payback. And you know what? I'm sure she'd be the first to say that it was all worth it and that your appreciation is worth more than gold. The million "I love you, mom." comments that come up during the day: what could be worth more than that? Nothing.
Thanks Bob. This is you, right?
DeleteI think about the $$$ I could make and how much of a weight would be lifted off John. But then I think about daycare costs, extra driving time and gas, extra expenses in clothing and food. Believe it or not, making food from scratch is much cheaper than the readimade crap. Not to mention the TIME that can never be replaced. The stress levels of having to get everything done (laundry, dishes, errands, etc) plus spending quality time with the kids in the short hours of the evening before bedtime. No job in the world could pull me from my job as a mom. It is worth too much to me, my kids, my husband.
Plus, I'm pretty sure when all is said and done, I'll be able to do whatever it is I "dream" to do in my life....I'll just be a little bit older and more experienced in my life when I do it.
Don't you just feel like smacking women when they say things like, " I'd go crazy without having blah, blah, blah (blah being some completely unneccessary thing....like daily showers)." I just want to say, "Really? Have you ever tried to challenge yourself to give up anything for someone else's well-being in your entire life? It actually is very gratifying." Women are so much more capable of stretching themselves and giving things up and growing than we give ourselves credit for. Part of the problem being that we've completely bought the idea that it is our right to never be uncomfortable, even for our children's benefit. Being uncomfortable just means being oppressed in modern times. There is so much growth and wisdom that comes from accepting burdens/trials/blessings and not allowing them to burden you. Thank you for accepting your beautiful blessings and putting them first Theresa. When more women do this, our world will change. We need Mothers.
ReplyDeletei love this mom's blog. http://toddnjenifermoss.blogspot.com/ When you find some time give her a chance. i stumbled upon her while i was looking up blogs by people who live in oregon and she hits the nail on the head more often then not. she too is a stay at home mom but with 7 kids. she inspires me. hugs and love to you and don't let her get you down. you are doing an amazing job and you are right where you need to be.
ReplyDeleteI just checked it out and spent about 30 minutes there. She's awesome! I am totally bookmarking it. Thank you!
DeleteYou've written so courageously on a really hot topic! I am the QUEEN of non-confrontation, so I haven't had a lot of banter about the decisions my family makes (We do a lot of "What you do is great, and we do is what's best for us, etc.) but I definitely share in my frustrations with all that you said.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I find really interesting is that more and more moms I am meeting from my peer group are much more educated than my own stereotypes lead me to believe. I am often humbled by the accomplishments that stay at home moms have achieved and are achieving with their children by their side.
Really, at the end of the day, even though I am exhausted in every sense, and even though I sometimes wish I had a job to go to, no one can be my children's mother better than their mother. My heart would break to be away from them :)
I was provoked. ;-)
DeleteI normally try to hold my tongue. But this woman - whom I wouldn't even necessarily call a friend but more just an acquaintance - had the nerve to attempt to belittle me! I was insulted. So, I kept my composure and matter-of-factly stated the above. It was LIBERATING. There....there is my freedom. ;-)
Passionate moms are inspiring. I aspire to many things (later on in life), but right now I am content just passing my days accomplishing the mundane and loving on my family as much as possible.
....and drinking lots of coffee.....
....and knitting lots of projects....
....and dreaming about brandy slush.....
....you know how it goes, you've got 3 boys!....
I know that I am very glad that I was home for so many years and now that the kids are in school, I have a job where I can see them off to school in the morning and pick them up at the end of the day. (I'm a sub para at the high school.)
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is precious.
what a great post. seriously, don't mess with a pregnant mom at the grocery store. ;) my favorite line was when she asked you about "me time" and you replied "my husband hung me a swing." what a precious response. me time because you have a strong WE. i love it. thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this Theresa! I get a lot of people who tell me I have no stress, nothing to do and that my children don't get enough socialization because they aren't in childcare. This confirms that raising my own children is worth it. Lindsey
ReplyDeleteI think this is my first comment on your blog, though I read it all the time ☺
ReplyDeleteI’ve been there, so many times! The worst by far was back in a toddler class with Claire and infant Belle. I was chatting with a couple of other moms as our kids played. Each of them worked and had one child. They were having a conversation about all the same things this lady said to you. I didn’t care. Good for them, they’re happy with their lives, okay. Until the topic of having more children came up. Both of them said they were done. They asked me if we were also done now. To which I replied something to the “oh no, I hope not” affect. Then they started talking amongst themselves about how much each of their daughters “fulfills” them. They are completely “fulfilled” with their daughter, and thus don’t need to have more kids to become fulfilled.
I had no reply. I just took my two unfulfilling (apparently) children and slinked away.
oh yes, the "fulfilled" comment. to which i've responded that it isn't that my current children don't fulfill us, we just feel our family isn't COMPLETE yet. each child is conceived in prayer and consideration of the others.
Deleteshuts them up usually. people seem to think that because we have/want more than 2 or 3 children then we must either not use birth control (which is correct) or don't know how to space (incorrect) or are being "irresponsible" in overpopulating the world with our tiny little family.
i have never heard a woman, towards the end of her life, talk about how she wished she hadn't had so many children. one mostly hears older woman talk about how they wished they had had more. i can think of at least a handful of woman who have said that to me.....and they all had children ranging in numbers from 0-4.
AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. So glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks we have the responsibility to raise our children, not daycare. Great post!
ReplyDeleteMy mind has been stuck on this topic since I read it yesterday. I think the key here is that your "friend" was so brazen.. and frankly, rude. We have to choose our words carefully on the topic because there are so many women who wish wholeheartedly that they could stay home with their little ones.. who cry that they miss milestones, day-to-day joys, etc.. because their paycheck is essential to put food on the table and to ensure healthcare for their families. Agreed, there are other women who moreso prefer to work full or part time, having the "break" or "stimulation" of their "other" job. I, myself, feel eternally blessed to have both.. I stay home with my kids all week and work about four shifts a month as an RN, comforted by the fact that the kids are at home with daddy while I care for other mommies and babies at the hospital. I adore my children, but I also love my job. I love what I do and the feeling it gives me when I do it. The paycheck helps make ends meet, as well.
ReplyDeleteI feel that the key in all of this is the woman's attitude.. and she certainly is not alone. The implication of superiority.. it is just so inappropriate. The problem is, it goes both ways. There are stay-at-home moms who make working moms feel pretty lousy about themselves, too. I cannot think of a topic that I take more personally than criticism of the way I raise my children.. this is obviously a hot topic for many women.
I just wanted to mention that although I agree with much of what has been stated, I think it's getting close to being mean to those mamas who HAVE to work but hate to work. My heart goes out to them.
Abby
I absolutely agree with you Abby. I'm sorry if you got the impression of meanness. That was not my intention. I suppose this post was more of a rant than anything. But I DO understand the need to make ends meet and the need for healthcare coverage for the family. I get that. And I thank my lucky stars every single day that John has a job that provides both - though often it is down to the dollar by the end of the month.
DeleteI have a lot of friends who do the same as you do. Work just enough to get the coverage, are able to stay home, and have husbands whose schedules allow for that. I think it's fantastic.
My point wasn't so much about whether or not women SHOULD BE working but rather the NEED for children to be raised by their own parents...the NEED for children to spend a majority of their lives guided by their parents. That was my point.
Thank you for commenting as it does bring to light another perspective....