Reliving The Past

My youngest brother was killed in a car accident on July 31, 2007. The loss was and still is excruciatingly painful.

I was browsing through my facebook notes looking for a little survey I had done a couple years ago and instead I found myself absorbed in this:

written August 11, 2007
"These past days have been an absolute whirlwind. Floods of emotion and confusion come and go so quickly. It's strange. As if the week before we were all on autopilot and going through the motions not really realizing how REAL our situation is. Steve is dead. He's gone. We aren't ever going to see him again (here). And the reality of it sunk in on Thursday. John returned to work on Thursday. And it was a day alone with Hayden on Thursday. Like I said, emotions flying everywhere, questions lingering, and sadness had begun to really run deep. And Thursday my son decides to push every button left. He broke a headset for the PS2, and later that day broke the controller for it. Spendy fix. He proceeded to refuse napping by screaming all afternoon. He wouldn't eat anything normal. He pulled books off the shelf and ruined some. DVDs were thrown all over the place. And the computer went bad because he kept pushing random buttons and confusing the hell out of it. By 2:30pm I had had enough!!! And my only outlet that I had in the past was Steve. I'd call him up and we'd pack the kids up and head to the beach or the park or just hang out at his place so the kids could play together. Thursday was when it really hit me. I miss him. I miss our outings. I miss our conversations. I miss having him to rely on. I miss him. And I'm going to miss him for a very long long time.

We were sitting on the couch last night after Hayden was in bed. Just sitting there in silence. He asked me how I was doing. I told him I was sad. Just sad. And we both began to cry. I asked John what is it that we are supposed to learn or take away from all this? This sorrow and suffering. The grief and loss. What can we consciously do to be better people. ?? He said, "Theresa...just keep loving." He said that he didn't think he could love me more, but through all of this his love for me has deepened and gotten more intense. He said that going through all of this with me and my family has helped him to get to know all of us so much more. And that he realizes how deeply we all care for and love each other.....how short life can be and how precious our time is together. And how much he wants to continue burrowing into our family and getting to each member more. I knew he loved me. I never doubted that. But I wasn't always sure what he thought of my family. I know now.
I went to bed with so many thoughts...
How amazing are my parents? How strong they are!!!! And my brothers......each one great in his own way. And Steve......what would he have to say about all this? What sort of men has God surrounded me with? What sort of man have I married?

What am I to do with all of this?
Time will tell......"

I remember this day. I remember this day because it was the beginning of my real grief. Steve was dead. We buried him 5 days prior. Everyone had gone home and continued on with their lives. But we were left with this void. We were faced with our life without him. And that was hard. That was so hard. By the grace of God - and only His grace - are we able to continue on and find happiness despite the sorrow.

taken on our wedding day

my favorite pic

Our Tax Dollars Hard At Work

So there is a popular survey going around Facebook right now about "defunding" Planned Parenthood. Not surprisingly, a lot of people say NO. And a good number of my friends on Facebook say NO. I'm sometimes surprised by who these people are but then I consider the fact that all of them (so far) are without children....NOT parents yet. Interesting isn't it? Consider those who are not parents yet.....

*They haven't felt growing life inside their body or witnessed it in the person they hold dearest to their hearts.
*They haven't heard the sound of a tiny heartbeat coming from a growing tummy.
*They haven't seen the obvious proof of life that an ultrasound gives.
*They haven't felt the rolling, fluttering, and sometimes painful kicks of a baby shifting to find more room in the womb.

*They haven't felt or experienced the bittersweetness of labor.
*They haven't witnessed the miracle of childbirth......of THEIR OWN child coming into the world.
*They haven't fallen so much in love with a tiny human being that they'd risk everything for him/her.
*They haven't opened themselves to the joys and sacrifices of parenthood.

And I almost feel sorry for people like that. Because not only have they NOT experienced all those things, they THINK that it's okay to snuff it out. They think that it's okay for women to CHOOSE to not be pregnant even though they already are. They think it's okay to KILL this life inside of them.

I challenge those people to sit through this video. I challenge those people who are prolife to sit through this video. I will warn you that it is quite honestly the most horrific clip I have ever seen. However, it has confirmed what I have been fighting for since before I could vote. LIFE.

Kirill's Story

I came upon this post through another blog that I follow regularly. This story is incredibly moving.
I was just having a conversation with someone the other day about how when good things are set in motion with pure intent and immense love one can almost guarantee there be some obstacle. Isn't that how evil works? In both ordinary and extraordinary circumstances?
Anyway, please pray for this family and the many other families in this situation. AND for the children waiting to be loved, adopted, and treated as human beings despite their imperfections.

Comic Relief

"Treasure, Mom....TREASURE."

Don't have much to say on this one.....

Frustrated....

Ever been so beyond frustrated that it seems there is no way back? That's me. Right this second. It is silly really and pretty small to be frustrated over and I'm sure it will pass once I get over my pity party tantrum. But right now I'm wallowing. It is the middle of the afternoon on a snow day. A day when the birds should be chirping and the sun should be out and the snow should be continuing to melt. That's how the weather has been. But today...yesterday actually, the Good Lord decided He needed a laugh and plagued the midwest with a blizzard! Inches of fresh HEAVY snow are now covering the blades of grass that were trying to grace us with their presence. Not funny from down here!

Because of the weather school was canceled and my 5 year old son doesn't know what to do. He LOVES school and looks forward to it every other day. And this morning when he woke up from his late morning slumber he asks, "Mom?...what about school?" The poor kids was heartbroken and completely displaced when I told him there was no school today because of the snow. "Stinking snow!" he says. My thoughts exactly.

And right this second there is a 3 yr old girl whining in her bed that she isn't tired and doesn't need a nap. She does. Believe me. She NEEDS her naps otherwise come 5:00 she is so crabby and tired no one wants to be around her. Her current whining is about to wake up an overtired 2 yr old who REALLY needs his naps or he will make EVERYONE miserable with his crying.

Said displaced 5 yr old seems to think that mom needs to be at his beckon call all day. "Mom, I'm hungry." "Mom, can we play my games?" "Mom, the kitty fishing pole is very stuck." "Mom, I'm hungry." "Mom, I'm thirsty." "Mom, can you sit with me?" "Mom...Mom....Mom....MOM MOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOMOM."
Well, you get the idea.

All I want is 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to breathe and collect my thoughts. Apparently today that is too much to ask for. And so I will go tend to my littles and dream about bedtime tonight. Yes, once the kids are in bed I will have my silence. Once the kids are in bed......

6 hours and counting......

From The Mouths Of Babes...

Hayden: "Mom, how old are you?"

John: (with a smirky smile) "She's ooold."

Hayden: "But Mom, HOW old?"

Knowing that Hayden can't count higher than 21 or 23 I respond confidently, "Hayden, think of the highest number you can count to and that's how old I am."

Hayden's eyes got big and he dropped the art project he was working on, "WOW Mom! You mean you are 3000?!"

I'm pulling him from the private pre-school he is currently enrolled in. I mean, COME ON!....what pre-schooler can count to 3000?! ;-)

John still laughs about this.

I'm crushed.

30

Saturday was my 30th birthday. No, I am not ashamed to say I am 30. I have never been one to come completely undone by my progressing age. It is inevitable people....we are getting older and we will die (someday). It happens to everyone. Even people like Joan Rivers (eww) who thinks she can defy age/time, but it only makes it worse. Denial is never a good thing. Not in my experience anyway.

So, does anyone want to hear what was gifted to me on my oh so monumental birthday? Let me tell you.....
* my parents gave me a beautiful necklace, a bag of columbian dark roast coffee (because age requires more of this), and a large roaster (for canning)
* my nieces gave me a very pretty necklace and earring set along with another pair of earrings picked out by Bell (such a sweetheart!)
* some friends gave me a case of Nordeast beer. Never had this particular kind before and how dare they expose my pallet to such wonder! Wow. I think I am a convert. No more cheap beer, honey......I want to good stuff. !!!!
* my husband.....my husband really really pulled through this year (as he does most years).....

Since February I had been asking for hints as to what he was planning on giving me. At first it was obvious that he really had no idea what he was going to do. But I think he figured it ought to be a good one since it IS a milestone birthday. Then he started dropping hints:
Me: "Is it big?"
John: "I think so. I guess it depends on how you look at it."
Me: "Is it expensive? I mean...how much are you pulling from savings?" (I know, completely non discreet)
John: "I guess I could be. It depends on how much you like it."
????!!!!!!
Me: "What is that supposed to mean?"
John: "Lets just say the most it is costing me is my dignity."

Great. By that point I was completely lost. What the heck could he be planning? He wasn't sharing this idea with anyone else. Believe me, I checked all my sources. Nobody had a clue. Then came more hints from him that made me squirm with curiosity and then with frustration and disgust.

John: "You might want to hit the gym an extra day a week."
Me: "I suppose I could do that if our schedule allows it. Why?"
John: "The more in shape you are the more you'll get out of your birthday present."

OKAY....hold up. He has suggested this several times over the course of a month. It pissed me off. What in the world was he giving me?....sessions with a trainer? a piece of clothing a few sizes too small? new running shoes (I had been asking for these)? a beach vacation (that would be nice)? None of these seemed like appropriate 30th birthday gifts. Not really. And he shot every one of them down. What could he be planning? The longer this went on, the more frustrated and mad I got. I couldn't figure it out. And he insisted that working out was a good hint. Which made me even more mad. So....my husband was telling me that for my already difficult to swallow birthday, I need to be in optimal shape? Hmmm.....
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only woman who would be utterly ticked off by this. He took the cold shoulder and silent treatment. He even took a few snide comments and a declaration of disgust from yours truly. But ultimately he stood his ground and didn't snap.
Then on the eve of my 30th birthday he comes to me with a card, a balloon, and a sweet dimpled smile. "Happy 30th Birthday, Theresa." I read the super sweet and sappy card and there was a small notecard inside that read:

"For your birthday this year I want to take dancing lessons with you long enough for us to either get good at it or decide we don't like it. I love you. Happy 30th Birthday."

I melted. I threw my arms around him and slobbered him with grateful kisses.

Early in our marriage (before the kids) I wanted to take dancing lessons with him so badly. And he wouldn't even think about it!...."NO." End of discussion. Then the kids came and I stopped asking. I never thought he'd remember let alone act on it! Which makes me wonder if he hears all the other things that I hint about or ask for. Hmmm......

My husband is the sweetest most thoughtful and secretly momentarily romantic man. Really?.....I've been bragging about him all weekend. I am so proud and SO EXCITED! He has most of the month of June off so we decided that a 4 week session would be scheduled for June. YAY!!!!!

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

WOW. All I can say is....WOW!

Full Tummies and Happy Hearts

John has been off these past couple days. Oh how wonderful they have been! Sometimes I feel like we are just passing by each other with a wave and a peck on the cheek (if there's time). We both get so busy with kids, work, projects, staying in shape, and just...life. And with John's crazy swing shift work plus all the overtime he's been putting in, well, let's just say we feel the need to get to know eachother all over again. And by get to know eachother I don't mean what you think I mean....geesh...get your heads out of the clouds people! ;-) I mean, he looked at me the other day, sighed and said, "What are your goals right now? Has your favorite color changed? What's been on your mind lately?..." Stuff like that. I was so pleasantly surprised by this. I realized that those types of questions were legitimate as we haven't had much time to sit and just be together, catch up on our day to day goings on, or touch base with much more than emergency/immediate needs. Life happens and it certainly gets crazy. Needless to say, yesterday and today have been wonderful with no plans, no guests, no pressing needs/projects to get done. Just time at home....together....with all the kids. It has been sweet heaven.
Enough about that. I wasn't actually planning on rambling about that. Sorry. What I wanted to brag about share with you was an absolutely satisfying and scrumptious meal I made this evening. I've blogged about Ree Drummond (a.k.a. The Pioneer Woman) before. I think. I know I must have mentioned a couple of her recipes. Anyway, I'm a big fan. Huge actually. I found her blog years ago when Hayden was a baby and fell in love with her blunt comedic approach to daily ranch life and of course, her recipes. She eventually got famous because of her blog. I'd like to say I knew her before she was famous. ;-) Like when she only got less than 1000 comments on her daily posts. Yeah. Her and I go way back. ;-) Anyway, she got famous and wrote a cookbook. And, of course, I bought it. In it are some awesome recipes, one of which my husband sings her praises. The Man Sandwich. And it is exactly that. A MEAT sandwich fried in butter and onions and topped with spice and grilled buns. MMMMMMM. Well tonight I added portabello mushrooms sauteed in butter and worschteshire sauce. Oh.My.Goodness. HEAVEN drenched in butter and sitting on our plates. Wow. Tonight was my first with portabello mushrooms. And let me just say how happy I am that I waited. It was so worth it! Sauteing them just right, sprinkled with worsch and slapped on a grilled bun and topped with steak and onions. Utter Satisfaction. And might I add that my husband is currently snoring on the couch. Yup. You got it. He's spent. Really people, this cookbook is awesome and this recipe is a must if your man loves meat. BUY IT!


I'd include a picture of our oh so yummy meal except.......it's gone. The whole thing is gone. Nothing left. So you'll just have to take my word for it.
;-)

Storytime

There is just something about children's books that is refreshing, goofy, and invites the reader to retreat from reality if only for a short time. I've always loved children's books. It is usually the first section I head towards when entering Barnes and Noble or the local library. Story books are actually the very first thing I purchased when I found out I was pregnant with Hayden. Books are one of the first gifts we give to new members of the family. I value them and I pray that this is transmitted to my children.
There are a handful of stories I loved when I was a child. In fact, I can still hear them being read to our class during library time. I had the most wonderful librarian as a child, Ms. Weide. I think this love of books came from her. Oh how she could read a story and make it come alive!
I don't have much more to say one the subject. I suppose it is a blog topic because my daughter has the same stack of books by the chair for the past 2 weeks and asks me multiple times a day to read them to her.
Just a very few of my favorites....

Give a Mouse A Cookie
I'll Love You Forever
Polar Express
The Napping House
King Bidgoods In The Bathtub
Heckedy Peg
The Relatives Came
The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, And The Big Hungry Bear
The Real Story of the Three Little Pigs
Curious George books
Bernstein Bears books
Amelia Bedlia books
Llama Llama books
Olivia The Pig
Silly Sally
.....and so many many more

What are some of your favorite stories from your childhood? and/or what are some of your children's favorites now?