Reliving The Past

My youngest brother was killed in a car accident on July 31, 2007. The loss was and still is excruciatingly painful.

I was browsing through my facebook notes looking for a little survey I had done a couple years ago and instead I found myself absorbed in this:

written August 11, 2007
"These past days have been an absolute whirlwind. Floods of emotion and confusion come and go so quickly. It's strange. As if the week before we were all on autopilot and going through the motions not really realizing how REAL our situation is. Steve is dead. He's gone. We aren't ever going to see him again (here). And the reality of it sunk in on Thursday. John returned to work on Thursday. And it was a day alone with Hayden on Thursday. Like I said, emotions flying everywhere, questions lingering, and sadness had begun to really run deep. And Thursday my son decides to push every button left. He broke a headset for the PS2, and later that day broke the controller for it. Spendy fix. He proceeded to refuse napping by screaming all afternoon. He wouldn't eat anything normal. He pulled books off the shelf and ruined some. DVDs were thrown all over the place. And the computer went bad because he kept pushing random buttons and confusing the hell out of it. By 2:30pm I had had enough!!! And my only outlet that I had in the past was Steve. I'd call him up and we'd pack the kids up and head to the beach or the park or just hang out at his place so the kids could play together. Thursday was when it really hit me. I miss him. I miss our outings. I miss our conversations. I miss having him to rely on. I miss him. And I'm going to miss him for a very long long time.

We were sitting on the couch last night after Hayden was in bed. Just sitting there in silence. He asked me how I was doing. I told him I was sad. Just sad. And we both began to cry. I asked John what is it that we are supposed to learn or take away from all this? This sorrow and suffering. The grief and loss. What can we consciously do to be better people. ?? He said, "Theresa...just keep loving." He said that he didn't think he could love me more, but through all of this his love for me has deepened and gotten more intense. He said that going through all of this with me and my family has helped him to get to know all of us so much more. And that he realizes how deeply we all care for and love each other.....how short life can be and how precious our time is together. And how much he wants to continue burrowing into our family and getting to each member more. I knew he loved me. I never doubted that. But I wasn't always sure what he thought of my family. I know now.
I went to bed with so many thoughts...
How amazing are my parents? How strong they are!!!! And my brothers......each one great in his own way. And Steve......what would he have to say about all this? What sort of men has God surrounded me with? What sort of man have I married?

What am I to do with all of this?
Time will tell......"

I remember this day. I remember this day because it was the beginning of my real grief. Steve was dead. We buried him 5 days prior. Everyone had gone home and continued on with their lives. But we were left with this void. We were faced with our life without him. And that was hard. That was so hard. By the grace of God - and only His grace - are we able to continue on and find happiness despite the sorrow.

taken on our wedding day

my favorite pic