Death and All His Faces....

I should be dead. Hayden and Megan should be dead. And this moment as I sit in a silent house filled with slumbering loved ones, I reflect on all that has happened this ordinary Wednesday.
Our van is in the shop. It wouldn't start and we had the tow truck haul it to our trusty mechanic. That left John's little truck for our only means of transportation until the van is finished. This morning was a school day. Great. Not only am I without my van, but I have to take 2 kids to school this morning in John's truck. *sigh* It felt like a Monday and I didn't like it....you know the kind of Monday when everything seems just a little bit off and nothing is going quite right?.....the kind of Monday that makes you want to just stay in bed all day and forget about everything that needs to be done this week...this day? Yeah, that's what this morning felt like. Only it wasn't Monday, it was Wednesday.
We slept just a tad bit later than we should have. Hayden didn't want to get out of bed or go to school for that matter. He always wants to go to school. But today he didn't. Megan is a pill in the morning, especially when she is woken up and not left to wake on her own. She's just like her dad in the morning. Grumpy, cries at everything, and just plain wants to be left alone. SO....there I was trying to get Hayden motivated for school and Megan to stop whining long enough to at least get dressed.....and I was wishing right then that the kids road the bus because then all I'd have to do is get them to the end of the driveway and they'd be gone for the morning. Anyway, we managed to get the kids dressed, fed, and ready for school by a decent time. I strapped them securely into the truck and ventured out. It is about 3 miles from the end of our driveway to the stop sign that takes us into town. It really isn't that far. But today, it was too far. The roads were exceptionally icy. Glare ice. And I was only going about 40mph and keeping my distance from the semi ahead of me. The semi was slowing to turn and I began to slow. Just as my foot began to slowly press on the brake, a blast of wind hit the truck and pushed the back end into the other lane. I knew right then that control was almost lost and the only way I was going to stop was if I hit something or went into the ditch. I was still going pretty fast at that point and now I was sliding.....there was a semi in front of me that was stopped and there was a semi (a fuel carrying semi) that was heading in my direction at full speed. When he realize I was not in control of my vehicle he began to slow but there was no way he was going to be able to stop before hitting me. He slowed and veered as far to the side of the road as possible without tipping his truck. At that point we were completely in the oncoming traffic lane and still spinning. This was a "life flashing before my eyes" moment. All I could think about was...."WHY?!!!! Not another thing to happen to my family....to my parents....to my husband. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then I realized that there wasn't anything I could do. It was out of my hands...."okay, he's going to hit us. (at highway speed a semi hitting a tiny truck would have been fatal) Please Dear God, if this is going to kill us please make it quick. I couldn't stand the kids suffering." I grabbed Megan's hand and made eye contact with Hayden and waited as I watched the semi get closer and closer. Somehow in a matter of fractions of a second, the truck slid slightly back toward the middle line and the semi zoomed by honking his horn as he passed.
We should have been hit. And we would have died. Which leaves me with this burning cry "WHY?!" Why, once again, are we spared? Twice in the past 3 years I've come fractions of a second from being hit head on by an oncoming vehicle. And last year Hayden was given a death sentence and lived. WHY?! Why are we spared? Why am I spared from a vehicular fatality and my brother isn't?! Why is my son spared from death when the child down the hall at the hospital will die from leukemia? WHY?!
My cries are loud and grateful and humbled and painful. Why.

*hug your loved ones today. We really really really have no idea when it could be our last.*