Sometimes I think my life is just a bit too much. You know? Like constant-super-overwhelming circumstances. Like the kind of too much that repels people instead of attracts them. You know? Those people that just don’t know what to say so they just don’t say anything at all. And over time all those moments of NOT saying anything add up to so much that it is safe to say that probably that person just isn’t a part of your life anymore like they used to be. That kind of too much. Is my life too much? or is it just enough? I can't always figure that one out. Probably a bit of both.
How life changes so quickly. Just when our life was getting back on track we are faced with grief again. Just when I think I have a schedule down for the kids, they go and change. Just when we think we are on top of things, a whole new pile appears that we need to begin tackling. Just when I think I have something planned out and it looks like it’s going to work perfectly, something happens/changes/stops. When does it stop? When is enough, enough? Will life ever just stop for a few seconds so we can catch up?! And in a moment when I think I need a friend, there’s no one. And on the day I need my husband to be home because I feel like I’m on the verge of a meltdown, he’s working. And just when the weather decides to be super nice out, the kids just want to stay inside and play contently with each other - even though I’ve got a million and one things that need to be done outside.
But they are playing so well together. I just don’t want to break that up. Plus the meltdown day?…that’s today. I realize it is the suffocating pressure of grief. It takes my breath away, literally. I’m grateful to be able to recognize it at least. But facing it hurts. Facing it is so damned difficult. Facing it “alone” is even worse. Where is my husband?! Where is my family?! Where are my friends?! Nowhere to be seen. And deep down I know that’s okay. Deep down I know that being “alone” right now is probably what is best for me. I don’t think it’s coincidence that the topics I’ve been meditating on lately have been simplicity of heart, poverty of heart, prayerful heart. That book of meditations on the heart of Christ is really actually heart wrenching and oh-so what I need. God is good like that with me.
Jesus meek and humble of heart….
Jesus pure and simple of heart….
Jesus poor and passionate of heart…
…..make my heart more like yours.
And so we continue with life - mostly joyfully but with some sadness, frustration, anxiety, and all the other human frailties that plague us.
Here’s to not being in control of a life that is so in need - in need of Him.
Jesus, strength and conqueror of all….
….take my heart and give me Yours!
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You have faced an exceptional amount of heartache in your life.. it makes me wonder why.. but that is a weakness of mine - I always wonder why. The why in a time like this doesn't matter.. You know what matters. Trusting the Lord. Praying His will be done. You're doing everything you can, Theresa, and you're doing it well. Just keep breathing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sad for you. I know that alone feeling. I think I felt it most because my body was alone. I missed my little baby inside. I know we don't know each other well, and our proximity isn't super close, but you are in my heart. I think of you many times a day. You're going to the right place.. the only place you will find comfort is in the Lord. I'll continue to pray for comfort and healing in your heart. You are a wonderful mother, a faithful Christian.. you will get through this deep grief and continue to thrive in your family life. God bless you, Theresa!!
Abby Jorgensen